Cruisin'

Close your eyes and imagine a place that is a perfect blend of Las Vegas and Disneyland. Apparently, garish met cutesy; they fell in love, and produced one fiendishly surreal progeny they called "cruise ship."

We are aboard the Carnival Cruise Line’s “Sensation.” And, I can sort of see the logic in that name since it is your senses -- all of them -- that are stimulated here (or, perhaps I should say assaulted). First, the décor is designed, I am quite certain, to give life to whatever feelings of seasickness you’ve been earnestly trying to suppress. The walls abound with large, wavy lines crisscrossed at random intervals with jagged zigzag lines. The carpeted floors are awash in bright, clashing colors and shapes that are as alien to the wall “art” as I am to the 400 pound fellow cruiser sitting way too close to me. Glitter and small panels of reflective mirrors dot the scenery, producing an overall effect that allows you the trippiness of an acid encounter without the assistance of drugs. Second, your ears are treated to everything except silence. Choose your poison: hypercheerful p.a. announcements, muzak, raucous bands, and the, shall we say, overly ebullient hot tub denizen who can speak only at ear-splitting decibel levels. Third, as we had been advised, the food is not just plentiful, it is thrown at you much like a virtual avalanche. We have barely scratched the surface of this, but already it is hard to be more than arm’s length from plates overflowing with pasta, mashed potatoes, burger and fries. And, don’t get me started with the crazily bodacious dessert display. I have concluded that 30% of the crew are trained cardiologists. Judging from the girth of a not insubstantial number of passengers, there are a number of folks here who know just a little about how to navigate a buffet table. Pay heed and just stay out of the way.

When Lily and I first “won” this “free” cruise after attending a manic sales pitch for resort time shares, we really should have narrowed our eyes a bit to read between the lines. Nothing is free and this cruise is out to prove this point with gusto. After we had learned of our so-called free ride on the Sensation, we were advised that we would be staying in bunk beds in an interior room. When I asked if we could move to a room with a king-sized bed, they cheerfully obliged -- in return for $550. What they didn’t tell us is that for this extra sum they would simply re-arrange the twin beds by throwing them together and then fitting them with king sheets. Essentially, we paid $550 for a set of sheets. Drinks, excursions, spa treatments, dinner at Sinatra’s table -- all extra. I am reasonably certain there is no charge for the air we breathe, but I’ll have to check our statement on this later.

Our stateroom is -- how you say -- compact, much like a sardine can is compact. I’m okay with a single file rule when going to the closet or bathroom. But, as Lily will most avidly attest, it’s a bit discomfiting to realize that your room is not only windowless, but pretty much at the bottom of the ship. The only living quarters beneath ours is, I believe, Davey Jones’ Locker.

Off to dinner!