Gator Getters

Gator Getters. You have to think long and hard to conjure up a business name that in just two words so totally sums up what they’re about. You know right away these guys are not morticians, nor heating and plumbing contractors, nor money lenders or caterers. No, they have one, and only one, highly targeted assignment: help the world with all things alligator. I suppose they could have named themselves Gators R Us, but, after all, that would have been three words.

So, it was with great delight last week that I learned of a presentation being made by Gator Getters to the folks here at Wild Dunes. Think of it as the oral presentation of the Little Golden Book of alligators. In these parts, as they say, this kind of knowledge is fabulously useful at best, and at least interesting at a minimum. We live in a community that shares its backyards, fairways, and sometimes its pools, streets and beaches with the alligator. They are all around us, apparently about 50 or so of them of the 100,000 currently taking up residence in South Carolina. Think of all the questions you might want to ask these guys if you had the chance (and the potential need to know). For example, do gators see humans as one big amuse bouche? Or, what might be the best way to avoid them once you’re squarely in their sights? Is it better to run away in a zigzag pattern -- which is the common wisdom -- or flat out sprint in a straight line? Can you reason with them?

Our host -- a most amiable fellow named Ron. He fits the bill so perfectly he’s almost a parody of himself. Attired in a safari shirt, cargo pants, sporting a trimmed white beard and a good ol’ boy accent, Ron is the epitome of the TV animal expert a la Jim Fowler or even the venerable Marlon Perkins. Perfect. Ron has been in the gator business for many years and his obvious comfort level with the subject, his wearied humor and phlegmatic style make his lecture pitch perfect.

Ron tells us that, above everything, we must remember that alligators are dinosaurs; they have been with us for 265 million years. And so, they know a thing or two about survival. What we see today are literally the best of the best, bred to foster and nurture the species’ best representatives so that now we have a survival guru walking amongst us. In fact, of all species of animals, they may be the most finely honed to survive all the foolishness of 21st century man. Ron tries to convince a skeptical audience that alligators are not really out to get us; well, that is not unless we wander on to their turf which they like to share as much as a four year old likes to share his toys with a younger brother who is about to steal one of them. Gators live in and around the water. This is their home. In our local environment, this means the many lagoons that weave their way through the Wild Dunes community. Should you wander to the water’s edge, expect the gator to lunge out of the water like a laser aimed at your jugular. Not out of anger, mind you; only hunger. This is especially the case at night or in the early morning hours when they are the most energized. Ron attempted to contrast this with your being, let’s say, 20 feet away from them as they bask on the banks of the lagoon where, Ron promised, the gator will leave you alone. Honest.

I saw two flies in the ointment here. First, it is easy to say to yourself. “ok, stay away from the banks of a lagoon. You’ll be fine.” But, as it turns out, alligators can meander off their home turf in search of food. Like to the beach or down your street or even under your car where, incredibly, they like to take shelter. Seriously. What are the ground rules then, Ron? Huh? Second, as is so often the case, humans tend not to act so smartly in dealing with gators. For example, a lot of folks think it’s cute to feed gators around here even though it poses incredible risks and, oh by the way, is illegal. A fed gator is a dangerous gator because he now sees humans as a food source to be pursued. Great. And, so, when you encounter a gator which you are most surely happy to avoid, your prudence may be rewarded by a 30 m.p.h. sprinting gator headed straight at you in search of the culinary treats he has become accustomed to receiving.

Bottom line: treat these guys with the kind of respect normally reserved for potentates, popes and other heads of State. Check under your car every morning. And, when out walking at night, or maybe enjoying that evening stroll on the beach, take a flashlight with you.

Maybe a bazooka too.